I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize