this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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