i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
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I think I sprained my soul last night
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
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I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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