The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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