yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
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and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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