it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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