i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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