Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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