i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
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The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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