last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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