it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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