I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
