Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
