break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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