i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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