I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
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i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
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We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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