So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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