What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am one with the molecules
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize