Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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