I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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