She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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