Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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