I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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