I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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