im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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