I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
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Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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