I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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