And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
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I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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