The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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