Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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