u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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