the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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