I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
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The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think my nap took me to another dimension
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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