I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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