Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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