no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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