We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Couch. On fire.
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