My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
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he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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