there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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