It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
