I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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