are you so shy because you have an std?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize