I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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