I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize