I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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