My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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