people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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