I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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