oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize