Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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